I finally understood what spiritual warfare means. Being a Christian is really not easy, we often have to face spiritual warfare, which are things that the devil plots in our lives and family to trap us and cause our downfall.
Ever since I was saved, I evolved to become a Christian in a very public way, meaning almost everyone now knows that I'm a Christian and I don't hide that that I'm a Christian and I share the goodness of Christ and testimonies during appropriate circumstances. I didn't know that by doing so, I inevitably put myself into facing lots of risk and I sure didn't know what will come my way.
I had a bad argument with my mum on the morning of 23rd Dec when she start nagging at me (which happened regularly and usually I just ignored it). Actually it was a small thing, I was talking to my dad and asked him if NTUC is selling turkey because a friend of mine who is going for Christmas service with me on 24th Dec wanted to eat roast Turkey, so I thought of getting a small one and we have it after service ended. Turned out my dad was not sure and he said I might have to reserve it earlier if I wanted to buy one. My mum soon overheard this and start saying sarcastically 'you are always like that, so last minute, you have prepare earlier for such things...', I don't know why I took her words badly this time and got angry and started shouting back 'you keep quiet lah, I just asking if they are selling it and I'm not confirmed about getting it too, why do you always have to criticize me!', and that started the whole incident. My dad soon sided my mum and saying why I talk in such manner to my mum and we start arguing.
I managed to end the argument for that moment and we soon resume back to normal conversation. My dad asked me why Christmas must eat Turkey and is it something Jesus ate in bible, so I replied its just a commercial thing that businessmen invented to earn money. That's when I heard my mum said in mandarin 'Turkey are for them who have bad temper (Turkey 'Huo Ji' sounds like bad temper 'Huo Qi' in chinese) - 火鸡是给他们这种火气大的人吃的。 That's when I had an outburst again, and an even larger one that was uncontrollable. I was offended because the words sounded like insults to me and my religion, so I start questioning her who she meant by 'them'. Then my dad stepped in again and said 'why am I so sensitive? She didn't even say anything..why am I so argumentative towards my mum...I should go and reflect on my wrong doings etc...' Maybe he's right, I might be over-reacting. But I just can't let this matter rest because I felt being criticized for nothing and so I went on to start a verbal war with them, saying things like 'but mum shouldn't say this, why must she criticize my character? etc...' Seriously I don't know why I was so worked up this time and even attempted to go all out to win the argument. Maybe its got to do with all the insecurities, failures and pressures that I'm facing, so when I heard words of attack from a loved one, it was like adding on to this big pile and so I acted rashly, trying to protect the tiny bit of dignity and hope that's left in me.
The defining moment came when my dad said something during the heat of the argument. He shouted 'Aren't you a Christian now? You should not be not argumentative like that, especially towards your own mum, you should be respectful. I thought Christians are supposed to change to become better, yet you are like this. Last time when I went church with you during father's day, your pastor said must love & honour your parents and you even lay hands and prayed for me, I was so touched, and now you are like that...'. He went on telling me about a story about his past, he said when he was young there was once he argued with his mum in the manner of questioning 'why' many times, and grandma couldn't answered and started crying, so he still regretted it till today and he asked me 'do you really want to see mum cry?'.
These words were like arrows piercing through me, I was so upset. Not only I felt that no one cared how I feel, it also felt like someone had threatened against me using Jesus, that I'm being held captive because of my religion and for the first time I felt like an outcast in the family. None of my family members and relatives are christian (except for one younger cousin). I felt the full impact of what being a Christian means in a non-christian family and the standards I'm expected to live up to - being always understanding and comprising to them (even if they might seem to be in the wrong), being 'perfect' in other words and that's just because I'm Christian. It was so hard for me to accept these words that I didn't know what to say. So I didn't say a word, turned my back and walked away, with tears flowing down my eyes. It's been a long time since I cried buckets.
I felt so miserable, so want to give up. I didn't even bother to invite my parents and brother to the Christmas service because I had lost the confidence to try. The nasty side of me stood out in contrast like a sore thumb to this nice side that I'm striving to be, I just want to be alone from them. Tears would flowed out freely everytime I thought about what happened in the morning, and then I would go on to think about the issues I'm facing right now and how helpless or hopeless things seemed to be. Like a sudden bomb, this anxiety and depression attack hit on me and blew up my whole day.
We didn't talk for the entire day and I went to the gym in the late afternoon without telling my parents that I'm out. Then dad sent an sms saying mum had left me some food for dinner but I didn't even bother to reply him. When I went home, dad broke the silence by saying there's some soup left for me and I replied him coldly 'I don't want it, I've already eaten'. He continued saying 'You don't want? Its your favourite mushroom chicken soup', I still replied 'No I don't want' and went into room and shut the door. Actually I had not eaten, I was still bitter about what happened in the morning and I want to show it.
Yet after this act of defiance, I felt even more miserable and started crying, I was angry at myself too. It was so painful that I could do nothing but pray. It sounds funny because the whole thing seemed to start because of Christ, but deep down I know I can't blame God and my parents because the real culprit is really the devil trying to defeat me by creating this rife between me and my parents at such a crucial time like Christmas. Yet having this revelation doesn't mean that I will feel ok in an instant, I can't help being angry and bitter and I can't control it. So I cried and prayed, asking God to remove this pain and helped me to handle this emotion. I asked for God's forgiveness and that he would removed my bitterness and to forgive my parents. Then I went to the kitchen and saw that the soup is still on the stove, so I heated it up and drink it; I don't want to be defiant anymore. I felt a little better after that but I still cried myself to sleep that night, the anguish didn't leave me totally that day.
The next day when I woke up, things got better. There was still some side effects like I was still a bit reserved in talking to my parents. Then I went about doing my things and went to church for night service. I was supposed to invite my parents to go for the morning service again on the following day but I even bother to try, anyway a friend I had invited was not going too.
Then Christmas day arrived, my parents came into my bedroom in the morning and wished me Merry Christmas while I was still in bed (it was the first time they did that since I become a Christian). Dad even suggested for the whole family to eat out that night, saying that it was a dinner treat for me because its Christmas Day, which is my day.I was surprised by their words and actions, yet I knew that was my their way of 'saying sorry'. When I got up, the ill feelings and bitterness were gone entirely.
Maybe it's God grace or maybe its my parents' love that touched me that caused all bitterness to disperse and allow us to resume talking as normal. Although I still have memory of what happened, I can happily say that I had forgotten how the bad emotions feel like..Hallelujah! God can really heal fast if we allow him. No doubt I felt foolish and sorry for my silly actions and I felt guilty about not inviting my parents to the Christmas service, I learnt something about God and my parents that day. Treat it as a Christmas Day lesson for me from God. I witnessed a higher level of God's forgiveness of my sins and how much grace and love he had for me that he turned the bad into good and created such a meaningful event for all of us on Christmas day . I also learnt that my parents are really never the ones at fault and they are such adorable people whom I love dearly. I might have failed at inviting my parents to the Christmas service, but this will not stop me from trying again and I believe they will come eventually.
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